I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
