Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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