i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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