Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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