That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
