i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
