If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
