ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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