plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
