i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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