Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
