I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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