this just has baby written all over it
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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