So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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