i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
