My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
