My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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