My friends, they love my intelligence
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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