Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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