Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
