I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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