I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
