I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
