Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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