next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
