my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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