its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
