Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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