I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
