I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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