He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My ATM looks so different sober.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
