But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
