Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
