I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
