don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
