I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
