Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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