They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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