I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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