I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
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