I showed him my bush... on skype.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
