She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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