What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
