I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
my liver is dry heaving
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
