All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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