ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
