Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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