Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
