This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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