i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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