I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
