dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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