I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
