wanna go halves on a baby?
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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