Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
