Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
