Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
