WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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