There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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